 |
|
| "Now you know" | Three British educational institutions were commissioned
by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the
way it is.
- Oxford University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization. - Cambridge University spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation. - Finally, the Open University spent $2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end. |
| "Cigarettes" | A man's wife asks him to go to the store to
buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed,
so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar
he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh,
shit! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me! Have you got any
talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to
rub on his hands. Then goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway
and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?" She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams,"You &%%!* liar! You went bowling again!" |
| "Sisters" | A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway,
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS
OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just
a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives
past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please
knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered
by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door
at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places
it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips
through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind
him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another
small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.
|
| "Come In" | A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door
of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".He tried the door
and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.He knocked again
and heard again the high pitched "Come In".As he entered the kitchen a
large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.As he plastered himself against
the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.He said,
"For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"The parrot laughed
and said "Sic Him"
|
| "The Beard" | A married man was visiting his girlfriend
one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like
your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James
replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She
would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife began to wake up, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!" |
| "Camel" | There is a new commander of a base of the
French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings.
After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,
"Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over
there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see
that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman,
they go here and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in
disgust. Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel
in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something,
Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is
the camel free anytime
soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?" |
| "Confession" | Three men are outside the priest's confessional
area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish.
One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling
his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a
woman from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuse to name who he had committed adultery with. The priest asks him "Was it Mrs Richards?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was?" "Was it Mrs Brown?" "No father." The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks." The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!" |
| "I see" | There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who
could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little
boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma,
goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart
attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch." |
| "3 Girls" | This man has three daughters, and they're
all going out one night. So he goes out onto the porch w/his shotgun
to meet the boyfriends. The first boyfriend comes up and says,
"Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going out for spaghetti, is she
ready?" The second boyfriend comes up and says, "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm
here for Flo, we're going to see a show, can we go?" The third
boyfriend comes up and says, "Hi, I'm Chuck-"....BOOM!!.........
|
| "Fart" | A elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells
him "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been arting all
the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make
any noise and don't smell. I ust can't stop farting all the time. In fact
while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and see me again when you are done." So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much, they still don't make any noise but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing." |
| "Work" | After many months of trying to make ends meet,
one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get
any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking. Early the
next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out.
The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned
four hundred dollars and ten cents. "That`s great!" the husband replies.
"But who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody!" replied the wife.
|
| "Know it all" | A man walks into a bar. Tells the Bartender "I
want a shot of Crown Royal." Bartender slides him a drink. The man
drinks it, and then passed it back, saying "Bartender, if I wanted Jack
Daniel's, I would've asked for that. But I wanted Crown Royal." Bartender
looks at him, and slides him another drink. Man drinks it,
then passes it back, saying "Bartender, if I had wanted John Adams, then I would of asked for that, but I didn't. I want Crown Royal." Bartender looks at him, and says "Man, you really know your drinks!" Man nods sayin' "yep." Not far away, an old drunk is listening to the conversation. He gets up, and comes on over to the man. He sits down and says "Okay smartass, you think you know a lot? Well, try this!" He whips out a bottle from his coat, and gives it to the man. The man takes a swig, then spews it out. "This tastes like piss!!" The drunk nods and says "Yeah, but who's?" |
| "Hamster" | Okay, so a guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "If I show you something really amazing will you give me a free beer?" The bartender says, "sure." So the guy pulls out out a hamster and the hamster breaks out into a song and starts dancing. The bartender says, "hey that's really amazing," and gives the guy a free beer. So the guy says again, "you wanna see something even more amazing?" And once again the bartender says "sure." The guy pulls out a tiny piano, he also pulls out the hamster and a frog too. This time, and the frog begins to sing and the hamster plays the blues, after they're done the bartender says "That IS amazing." And the gu says "yeah I know,.." A man in a suit, sitting in the corner was watching the whole time and says, "that frog's amazing, I'll buy him off you for a hundred bucks." The guy says "sure," and sells the frog. The bartender is aghast and says to the guy,"why'd you do that? You could have made a fortune off that frog!" The guy says "Can you keep a secret?" "The hamster is also a ventrilloquist." |
| "Difference" | Little johnny comes home from school with a note from
his teacher, indicating that "johnny seems
to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and
girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with
johnny about this."
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse... so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra... which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. and when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" |
| "The Salvos" | On this, like all other holiday seasons, we see the salvation
army outside on street corners doing wonderful thigs by collecting
both funds and used clothing and furniture to help those less fortunate.
Here is one version of how it all began.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were wornout so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. "Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "So, here we are!" |
| "Class Assignment" | The teacher had given the class an assigment. He stressesd
the importance of this assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted
execpt illness (with a medical certificate) or death in the immediate family
(with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and
when they settle down the teachers responds with, "Well, then I guess
you'll have to learn to write with your other hand!"
|
| "Taxi" | A guy falls asleep on the train and misses his stop.
He gets off at the end of the line and asks a cabbie how much a ride
to his crib would be.
"20 bucks, pal" "Listen, I've got five on me and the rest at home." "Take a hike, Pal." The guy walks 15 miles home at 3:00 a.m. plotting revenge the whole way. The next night, he gets off at the same stop as the night previous, and sees the same cabby third in a queue. He asks the first driver in line how much the fare is.. "20 bucks." "How about five and a blowjob?" he asked "Take a friggin' hike you &$*@# pansy" He then asked the second driver in line how much the ride would be "20 bucks" He made the same proposition and received pretty much the same response. He then hopped in the cab with the driver from the night before, handed him 25 bucks and drove away winking at the first two drivers and gave them the old thumbs up! |
| "Blanket" | A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his
secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night
on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk.
She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need
a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend
you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like
that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
|
| "Jump" | Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says
to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running
our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll
need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" |
| "Who's Cheating?" | "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband
to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley." |
| "Cow Birth" | A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he
noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in
the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to
start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll
just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" |
| "3 Dogs" | Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black
- are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike
up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are
you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything
- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
-The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" -The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a grea big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. -The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." |
| "Divorce" | A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to
file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sunday" The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." |
| "Date" | A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance
from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from
town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantlypaid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." |
| "Bye Son!" | A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick
up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking
nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the
checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. |
| "Moose Love Call" | Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic
cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of
a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself!" |
| "The Favor" | Recently, President Clinton and Boris Yeltsin had a conference
on the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted
diseases in their countries. Yeltsin asked Clinton how he and
his administration are attempting to stop the spread of AIDS.
"We promote abstinence in the United States," Clinton told him. "That would never work in the USSR," Yeltsin replied. "People are going to have sex, and the government can`t do or say anything to stop that. I want to promote the use of condoms in my country. The problem is, we don`t have any good condom companies in Russia." "Well, in the US we have many condom companies, and one of the best is Trojan," Clinton told him. "Let me give the president of the company a call. I`ll ask him to send some condoms to you, so you can distribute them in your country. How many do you want?" "We`d probably need about 5 million or so to start," Yeltsin replied. "Okay. That should be no problem." Clinton thought for a second, then asked, "You will probably want a variety of sizes, right?" "No," said Yeltsin. "All of the condoms should be the regulation 10 inches long and 2 inches wide." "10 inches long!? 2 inches wide!?" thought Clinton, but he said only, "That should be no problem, Boris." Mr. Yeltsin thanked the president, and they parted ways. When Clinton got back to the Oval Office, he called the president of the Trojan Condom Company. "I need a favor from you, Peter," said Clinton. "I need you to send about 5 million condoms to Boris Yeltsin in the USSR. The condoms must be 10 inches long and 2 inches wide. On each condom, I want you to write 'MADE IN THE USA' on one side, and 'SIZE MEDIUM' on the other." |
| "God's Army" | Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor
said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." |
| "Stone Surprise" | One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One
of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other
boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at
a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy
took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his friend," My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard
so I ran."
|
| "Three Nuns" | Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning
in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of
pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. |
| "The Tight Skirt" | A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was
too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered
the zipper a bit and tried again. The Skirt was still
too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.
She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!" The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!" |
| "Bad Mouth Parrot" | There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears
like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is
a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!". This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" |
| "Before Viagra" | A man was walking down the street when he noticed his
Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing
on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist ?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea." |
| "Twins" | Twin bothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the
owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died
the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe
on the street, mistaking him for John. She said to him, "I'm sorry
for your great loss. You must feel terrible."Joe said, "Oh, hell
no. Fact is I'm sorta glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten
old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and
she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing her water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too.
The hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked like crazy and it
got to be too hard to keep her upright. But what really finished
her off was these four tough guys who rented her for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to hava go
with her anyway. The damned fools all tried to get on her at
the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. While they
were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the
middle!"The old woman fainted.
|
| "Barbie" | A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New
York and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie at $15.95 Vacation Barbie at $15.95 Housewife Barbie at $15.95 and Divorcee Barbie at $215.95!" The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's etc. etc. |
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