How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,or how
long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience
stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all
their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

 ----- Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the  bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir.  But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing  will."

-----Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It  identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men  have  the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill. What's  yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 ----- Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time  he  whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 ----- Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He  vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill  came  home ashen.  His wife could see at once that something was seriously  wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

--- Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.  On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.  The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife
also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.  The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,  white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.  The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:
"She choked."

 --- Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my  genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open  his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."  The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.  The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.  The man stood up again and made  another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.  A blonde woman timidly spoke up.  "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

---- Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.  The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!  The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.  "What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
 The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said turn around."

---- Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years.  They were sitting at the  breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 
"Yeah," she replied, "just  think,  fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table  together."
"I  know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds  fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say... should  we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,  "my nipples are as hot for you  today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!