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| "A wise old" | Irish man had the following things to say about drinking.........,
he said that the Irish drink to forget, but couldn't remember why. Always conserve water by diluting it. The differance between and Irish Wedding and an Irish funeral is one less drunk. Alcholic constipation is when you cant pass a pub. Alcholic rheumatism is when you get stiff in most joints. If the irish ever drink to anything, it's about three in the morning. Drink was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world. Mind you, not many people realise that Jesus was irish too, I mean look at it this way, The night before he dies he goes out for a drink with the lads. One of his last requests was for a drink. He thought his mother was a virgin and she god bless her, thought that he was the saviour of the world. But no matter what people say, you can never get rid of the sexism between people these days. And men are sexist for a very very good reason. Face it, there are genetic differances between the two species. For instance how hard can it be to use an ATM? How to use an ATM HIM:
HER:
See, men can do things simply and to the point, women have to make a big deal about things, I mean, how many men wake up in the morning faced with the dilema of "DO THESE SHOES GO WITH MY PANTS???" We don't care, some men dont even where underwear, why should we care about our pants???? I think that from now own, us Irishmen should be truthfull to women! When a woman asks "Do these pants make my ass look fat?", BE TRUTHFULL!!!!! "No honey, of course those pants don't make you look fat, it's your face that makes you look fat!". Anyway, I had a terrible night at the pub last night, I walked into the pub and in true christmas spirit I shouted, "FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYONE, THAT INCLUDES YOU MR BARMAN!!!!!!!!". So the drinks were handed out, the barman helped himself and after the drinks were finished he comes up to me and says, "That will be £57.80", I says back " Oh, I don't have any money whatsoever". With that he picks me up, punches me about seven times, and throws me outside the pub doors. After about 9 minutes I manage to drag myself back through the doors, and in true christmas spirit I yell "FREE DRINK FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU MR BARMAN, CAUSE YOU GET BLOODY NASTY WHEN YOUR DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!". I ask you though, whats all this about drink drivers???
I mean, statisticly, 10% of all road accidents are caused by drunk drivers,
which means that 90% of all the others are caused by sober people, so shouldn't
we all drink drive and reduce the amount of accidents on the road????
But
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| "Irish Horoscope" | AQUARIUS: you have an inventive mind and are inclined
to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f***ing jerk.
TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and you work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist. ARIES: You are the pioneer type and think most people are dick heads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a PRICK. GEMINI: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard!!!! Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest!!!!!!! CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth SHIT!!! Everyone in prison is a Cancer! LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother f***ers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors. VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. The shit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f***ing. Virgo's make good bus-drivers and PIMPS. LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra females are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease. SAGGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. Nixon was a Saggittarian. You are not worth the time of day. CAPRICORN: You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should KILL yourself! SCORPIO: The worst of the lot! You are shrewd in business
and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because
of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most
Scorpio's are murdered.
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| "How to..." | "How to Anger an Irishman"
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish
man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a
sissy." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked
back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't
care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second
English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear
your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank
you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.
"You're right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no,
no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The English man walked
over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your
St. Patrick was an English man!" "Yeah, thetas what your buddies were trying
to tell me."
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| "Lifestory of our Irish Mate" | I'm suffering from really bad luck at the moment, Have
you any dogs? You know I have three of my own, did I ever tell you that?
My first dog I called carpenter cause he used to do little jobs around
the house. The second one I called mechanic, one quick kick up the
arse and he made a bolt for the door. My latest dog I called SEX.
When I went to register him I asked for a licence for sex, the guy said
we could all do with one of them. Then when I went to see a friend
of mine for dinner, I asked if I could have sex there, she said it was
a bit forward, but all right. Then on my way home my car broke down
and I had to get a hotel room. I asked the guy behind the reception
if he had a room for sex, he said that's what they are all for!!!
I'm going to change the name though, I was out in the park and the damn
dog slipped his lead, I was caught wandering around the park by a cop,
when he asked what I was doing I told him I was looking for sex.
My case comes up next monday. Anyway, I hope your having more luck
than I am at the moment.
I never told you about me, so I decided to tell
you the truth about me. so then, Where do I come from??? Actually,
I'm part Irish, and Part Scottish, I'm irish on my mothers side and scottish
by a friend of my dad's. The family was in the Iron and Steel business,
My mother ironed and my father stole. I was born at an early age,
Prematurely actually, I'm a man before my time, I'm really only 13.
My birth was a surprise to my mum......... and everyone else in the restraunt
at the time. It was during really really bad times, I was abandoned
on a doorstep. I wasn't found there, no, the door opened out.
I was found two somersaults down the road. There was a note pinned
to my blanket. It read "Keep your head down, the door opens out,
love MUM". We were so poor that the woman next door had to have my
brother, and he was so ugly my mother sat him in the corner and fed him
with a slingshot. We lived in a tough neighbourhood, you could walk
ten blocks without leaving the crimescene. Any kid in our street
with two ears was a sissy, and any cat with a tail was a visitor.
When I was seven my dad took me aside, and left me there. He was
tough on us, he made us walk 2 miles every night, by the end of the week
I was fourteen miles from home. Learning to swim was even harder,
he used to throw us of the pier, swimming to shore wasn't so hard, it was
getting out of the ropes that was hard. It really affected my life,
my first job was proof reader for a
Well that's about my life story, I hope you enjoyed it,
take care!!!
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| "Olympics" | Dublin 2004 - An Olympic Bid
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Dublin's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown
by a native of the city (preferably from Darndale area), wearing
the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and a balaclava mask.
It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip pan situated
on the roof
THE EVENTS In previous olympic games, Ireland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Dublin athletes 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes 100 METRES HURDLES As above, but with added obstacles (ie car bonnets, hedges,garden,fences/walls etc). HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, ballplane, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in five minutes. LONG JUMP/HIGH JUMP These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as 'A Jump'. Mixed teams, in loose fitting clothing only. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office counter clerk, bank teller or an Securicor style wages delivery man. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Guinness, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the "country" (anywhere outside Dublin), on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Liffey. The first three survivors back will decide the medals. MENS 50 km WALK Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dublin. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Tallaght 'Health in the Community' anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Artane Boys Band and RTE Symphony Orchestra (if still in existence). The olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping
an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats
next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
heating
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