Raatzy's Realm of Riddles: Page 6

Page 6
Lists and Top Tens


"FDA"	The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
"Sesame Street"	"Sesame Street" goes interactive 10. The Count now says "point 0" at the end of every number. 9. All bug Muppets will now be renamed "features." 8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. "Do you really want to delete Oscar?" 7. Mr. Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up. 6. Sesame Street's renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share. 5. Cookie Monster is renamed Cookie Friend and sells his book, "How to Track Who's Using Your Site for Fun and Profit" with continuously running onscreen banner ads. 4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other... 3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C++ and something called, Adobe Acrobat. 2. Bill Gates admits that he's been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989. 1. "Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition."
"ICQ"	You are using too much icq When….. (taken from www.Mirabilis.com - the home of ICQ) -You see psychedelic flowers when you close your eyes to go to sleep. - Before you have a conversation with someone, you kindly ask them if they'd like to accept a chat request. - You consider sleeping your "N/A" mode. - You hear little voices in your head constantly saying "uh-oh". - You have over 500 buddies on your contact list. - You've had long conversations with all 500 of those buddies. - You begin to think names like "Tom" and "Jane" are strange, but names like "Snakeman" and "Tigger" are common. - Your friend introduces you to a new person, and you immediately ask them if you can add them to your "contact list". - Since downloading ICQ, you've learned to speak 7 new languages, including Ukranian and the dialect of a small native community in Peru. -To you, ICQ isn't just a program, it's a "gift to mankind". - Your idea of a "wild time" is inviting all of your online friends into one giant chatroom. - The last time you signed off ICQ was during the George Bush administration. - Every time a new version or update of ICQ is released, you have your own celebration party, complete with cake, party favors, and champagne. - Your dog leaves you due to lack of attention, despite your efforts to appease him by giving him his own ICQ number. - Your one pride in life has become your immense contact list, and you ask all your friends to send over their contacts to make it even bigger. - You name your first child "Mirabilis" and tell all your friends that it was because you "liked how it sounded". - You have carefully allotted your time during work/school lunch breaks: 32 minutes to check and respond to ICQ messages, 3 minutes to eat. - Your spouse is insanely jealous of the computer and refers to it only as your "sugar daddy".
"The BIG Q"	How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? Reprinted with permission from Robyn and Todd's Wedding and Marriage Humor LOVE - - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. LOVE - - when intercourse is called making love. LUST - - all other times. MARRIAGE - - what's intercourse? LOVE - - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - - when you argue over money. LOVE - - when you share everything you own. LUST - - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - - when the bank owns everything. LOVE - - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - - when the relationship is over, if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - - what's a climax? LOVE - - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - - when you phone each other just to arrange sex. MARRIAGE - - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. LOVE - - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - - when all you write are checks. LOVE - - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST - - when you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - - when your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - - when your farewell is "I love you darling ..." LUST - - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?" MARRIAGE - - when your farewell is silent. LOVE - - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE - - when you never see each other awake. LOVE - - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - - when your wallet empties everytime you see them. LOVE - - when nobody else matters. LUST - - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - - when it's just the same mushy old shit. MARRIAGE - - when you never listen to music. LOVE - - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - - when just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - - when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST - - when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE - - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. (c) JokeMaster Funnies, 1996 New! Improved Fat-Free, Low-Cal Funnies!
"Why.."	Why the internet is like a vagina... •The more people use it the bigger it gets. •If you play with it too much you can go blind. •You wouldn't believe the things people put in there! •Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface. •In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of he species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. •It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. •It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. •If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. •It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. •You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish. •The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system. •If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. •It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" •Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it. •Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. •Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers. •Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.
"Professions"	An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka) A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
"Anagrams"	Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it Princess Diana.... Ascend in Paris AND HOW ABOUT THIS "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." And the Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." And for the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong The Anagram: "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"